I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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