don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
