Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize