I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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