Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
