You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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