I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Everclear isn't food dammit
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
