So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
