Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
