i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
