Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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