Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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