Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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