I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
