I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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