I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
