he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm at about main and main street
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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