oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
