Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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