when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
