Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
