getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
