I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
