If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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