I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
