Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
