It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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