Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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