I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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