The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
