i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
