my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
