Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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