Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
