i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize