I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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