I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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