Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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