hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize