Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
