i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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