Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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