turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
