If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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