He uses pillows to masturbate.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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