You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Houston, we have a squirter
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
