I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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