I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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