Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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