Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish there were birth control emojis
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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