I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
