Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i love accidental penises.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
