I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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