WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
