I bet he comes in French.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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