You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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