my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
