I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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