she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
