Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
