My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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