walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am one with the molecules
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
