I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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