My liver just broke up with me...
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
