i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
