dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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