Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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