Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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