don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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