just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
