i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize