dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
