i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
